The Epic of the Duel of Ping Pong
by I am the Poptart
Summary: After the boys make some changes to the local Ping-Pong Center, Candace ends up challenging another team to a duel. Oneshot. Read and review, please; I'm truly desperate. Now with an author's note!
1. Chapter 1

**Poptart Notes: Since I can't sit still for eight flipping seconds, I give unto you all a one-shot story, inspired by my complete lack of the ability to properly play Ping-Pong. And let me clarify this quickly—this is a story about Ping-Pong. OH THE ADVENTURE THAT AWAITS**

**WARNING: Albert and Irving are included in this, because I have caught the strange disease in which I don't hate these two. NOW YOU BE WARNED**

/

"Alright, everybody keep your butts in their seats." Candace called into the back of the car. "It's bad enough that I have to babysit you all while Mom's shopping, so you could at least refrain from acting like monkeys."

"But I like monkeys…" Buford muttered.

"Can it."

"Sometimes I feel bad that Mom always has to go shopping." Phineas said.

"Well, then maybe we could spare her some trips by cutting out those toaster strudels you hold so dear." Candace retorted. Phineas grinned.

"Man, those are good!"

"Why do I never get to drive?" Albert asked.

"Because," Candace said, "I can parallel park."

"So?"

"If I may, I'd like to point out that the last time you were driving you got so into a road rage that you were yelling at the stop signs." Irving cut in.

"I do not get road rage." Albert crossed his arms. Just as he finished speaking, a car behind them suddenly honked its horn. To this, Albert rolled down his window and stuck his head out, eyes ablaze.

"_Hey! Einstein! This big light here is RED! Red means STOP! THIS IS NOT A DIFFICULT CONCEPT, YOU MORON! HEY! DON'T DO THAT! WELL, I'VE GOT __FIVE__ FINGERS IN A FIST RIGHT HERE FOR YOU, BUDDY—_"

"_Albert._" Candace brought him back to reality. He pulled his head back into the car.

"As I was saying, I do not get road rage. Ever." Albert carried on, as though nothing ever happened.

"No, no you don't." Irving replied, rolling his eyes.

"Excuse me, Candace," Isabella piped up, "But where are we going again?"

"We're going to the Danville Ping-Pong Center." Phineas answered for his sister. "It was Dad's idea."

"Wait, wait, hold it." Albert said. "Danville has a PING-PONG CENTER?" Candace sighed.

"I'm amazed, myself."

"If I do say so myself, I never thought Ping-Pong was that exciting of a sport." Baljeet spoke timidly, only to be boxed on the ear by Isabella. "OW!"

"Just wait! When I get to Pinging against your Pong, I'll make you eat those words." Isabella smirked in a way most unfitting with her character.

"Well, there is no need to hit me!" Baljeet cried, just before getting boxed in the other ear by Buford. "Ugh…"

"Wow, Isabella," Phineas said, "I didn't know you were so passionate about Ping-Pong." Isabella smiled brightly.

"I'm the best player in my Fireside troupe!" She announced with pride. "I've never lost a game. I've even earned the Ping-Pong Player patch _twice_!"

"Wow. Hope I don't get beaten too badly when I go against you." Phineas said jokingly. He laughed, and Isabella joined him.

"Oh, you will be." Isabella said nonchalantly.

"Can I be on Phineas and Ferb's team?" Irving suddenly asked.

"Dork." Albert mumbled.

"Hey, can someone turn on the AC?" Buford spoke gruffly from the backseat. "I'm dying back here."

"Has anybody else ever noticed that this car is always able to hold various amounts of people?" Baljeet threw in.

"I SWEAR THAT IF YOU DON'T ALL SHUT UP RIGHT NOW, _I WILL DRIVE THIS CAR OFF OF A CLIFF!" _Candace finally exploded.

The car was silent for a moment, only to be broken by Phineas when he asked, "Hey, where's Perry?"

And the break in the silence caused Candace to thrust her head against the steering wheel, her forehead pressing against the car horn.

/

Perry, naturally, had stayed at the Flynn-Fletcher home. This probably has something to do with the fact that platypuses/pi/people do not _play_ Ping-Pong. Of course, with all the children being at the Ping-Pong Center, Linda being out shopping, and Lawrence running the antique shop, the house was empty, save for him.

The platypus walked up to the old bookcase, scanned the sections, and selected a volume. With the book he pulled out, the bookcase swung around into a separate room—the lair—taking Perry with it. Predictably, Monogram was right on the screen, as he had been waiting.

"Excellent work, Agent P. We'd told you that we'd disestablished that bookcase entrance, but you seem to have known that it still works."

Perry blinked at the screen in confusion, then looking down at the book that was still in his hand, and then back at the monitor. Monogram blinked as well.

"…Oh, uh, you didn't know that…you…just wanted to read a book. Um…sorry." Monogram glanced about the room sheepishly as the platypus glared at him. "'The Adventures of Tom Sawyer', huh?" He eyed the agent's book. "I've…I've heard that's a good one. I hope you enjoy that later."

The glare did not falter.

"Anyway, your mission for today, which we conveniently have for you at this very moment in time, is to go and check on Doof. He's been a little quiet for the past few weeks' time, and, well, you know that some sort of _invention_ would take a few weeks' time to complete, right?"

"Wait, what about those kids that built an anti-gravity machine in a few hours?" Carl spoke from off screen.

"Hm…are those the same kids that I heard built a rollercoaster?" Monogram asked.

"And a mini-golf course."

"_Miniature_ golf, Carl." Monogram scolded. "As for those kids; well, they're not evil."

"So, moral code equals the amount of time it takes to build a machine?" Carl raised an eyebrow (although it couldn't be seen).

"Yes, yes it does." Monogram replied. "Agent P., just go and see what Doof is up to."

Perry saluted the man quickly and leapt up from his chair, leaving the room.

After he left, there was a pause.

"Wait a minute, Carl; don't those kids _own Agent P.?_" Monogram suddenly asked. Carl thought about this for a brief moment.

"I think so."

/

"Gentlemen and two ladies," Phineas began, throwing a significant glance at the couple of girls and gesturing widely at the building before them, "Behold!"

"Beholding!" Irving grinned, hopping up and down for a bit until Albert put a hand on the top of his head to stop him.

"I give you the Danville Ping-Pong Center—first and only!"

Well, the building itself wasn't all too impressive. Large sections of paint on the building were peeling or chipped, and some sections were just unpainted altogether. Every letter had light bulbs broken or missing—heck, the letters weren't all even there. A lot of them had fallen off, leaving big grey marks of dust and scratches where they had been in their shape. The only letters that were left spelled "DING". The building was grown over with ivy on the left wall, and in every nook there seemed to be an old bird's nest.

"Well. I guess I was right when I said that they did this for fun back in the 40's." Candace muttered. Isabella suddenly turned up to her and glared.

"_Silence, fool!_" She said in an abnormally cold tone. Candace shrunk back a bit while everyone stared at the smaller girl in shock, jaws wide open. Isabella quickly returned to her default stature, possibly unaware that she'd even changed states.

"Come on, let's go play!" She said sweetly. Deciding to speak no more of the out-of-character moment, everyone filed into the old building.

The inside of the building seemed to be in about equal disrepair. The ceiling tiles were ceramic, with several chips and cracks running through them. Some suspicious-looking stains were on the walls that made Candace's stomach turn. Several lights were broken and burnt out. A vending machine was in one corner, with a yellowing paper taped to it. Chicken-scratch on it in a red pen (which had faded several times and kept having to be written over) read "Out of Order". A random broom was standing in the middle of the left hallway.

"Well," Baljeet was the first to speak; "This is quite depressing."

"I wonder how old the tortilla chips in that vending machine are." Buford suddenly said, pointing at the aforementioned machine. Candace gave him the hairy eyeball.

"Ew, don't find out." She told him.

Albert wasn't even paying attention. Rather, his eyes darted about the room, like he was looking for some sort of exit. He then took a half-step back and began babbling, in an unsettled way, "You're all gonna try and kill me, right? You've been planning to kill me in this abandoned Ping-Pong center, haven't you? This place has been defunct for seventy years, hasn't it?"

"Albert, there are cars in the parking lot and we are not trying kill you." Candace said in irritation, her arms crossed.

"You can't fool me! You will get away with nothing!" Albert cried. "Nothing, I tell you!"

"Maybe we should go somewhere a little less creepy next time…" Baljeet mumbled.

"No, I just think that _somebody's_ been taking my laptop when I'm away and has been using it to rent action movies off of Netflix." Irving piped up, shooting a glare at his older brother. Albert looked the other way.

"Like that has anything to do with it, you murderers!" He went right on. Candace moaned, placing her face in her hand.

"Let's just get to the paddle rental, already."

"_IF I'D BROUGHT MY NUNCHUK, YOU'D BE AT MY MERCY!"_

/

_Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated~!_

There was a bit of rattling with the doorknob. After a few seconds of this, the platypus gave up and just flat-out kicked in the door. Doing a backwards-flip-and-stick-the-landing entry, he saw the aforementioned scientist, standing with a T-shirt, bicycling shorts and a visor covering him. In one hand was a paddle, and he stood in front of a table with a small net standing on it.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus." Doof turned and flashed a grin at the Agent in the doorway. "Your timing is—" He stopped short, cocked his head a bit, and then made a "come-forth" gesture with his hand. "Perry the Platypus, could you take a couple of steps forward, please?"

Oh, goodie; a trap. Well, like he couldn't manage to ever get out of _that_. It only happened every day. Good-humoredly, the platypus stepped forth and onto a clearly marked "X" on the ground. The moment his foot hit the symbol, he was suddenly seized up in the trap that he was anticipating. However, what he did not anticipate was that he was going to be suddenly rolled up inside of a giant, white, plastic-y sphere.

"Oh, and just in case you're wondering, you're inside of a Ping-Pong ball. I didn't know if you could tell, being inside the thing and all." Doof added. "So, I bet you're wondering what the evil plan of the day is. Well, naturally, we must first tackle the back story. It's part of the routine. Long ago, in the days of my youth, my old school had a Ping-Pong Enthusiast's League—by the way, back then it was called "table tennis"; did you know that? I wasn't really an enthusiast myself, but my parents wanted me to join a club, and it was either that or "Grizzly Bear Wrestling"—and unfortunately for me, I smelled like fresh carp _and_ pork that whole school year. So I joined, hoping that it'd be easy. How much harder could it be than stacking cups, right? The answer to that question was, unfortunately, much harder." Doof sighed for a moment.

"I clearly remember it. Every Friday, from three to five-thirty, it would always be the same." He went on, his voice getting considerably darker. "An infinite supply of Ping-Pong balls would always be by the side of the League's Star Player. And at every meeting he would taunt my lack of skill, repeatedly bashing me in the head with Ping-Pong ball after Ping-Pong ball! I think I still have a bump on the side of my head." The scientist turned his head to one side and knelt down to the platypus. "See? Do you see anything? Oh, wait, you're, uh, in a Ping-Pong ball. Never mind, then." Doof stood up and went right on, "Anyway, I got a phone call yesterday. The league is having a reunion next week out in Wilcox, so, I have to work out an admittedly petty scheme today so I can pack tomorrow and be leaving. And the aforementioned petty scheme comes to fruition in my newest evil creation—THE PING-PONG-INATOR!" And lo, there on the balcony was a giant machine, with a piece that was supposedly a laser pointing down at the city of Danville.

"When I activate this machine, I will put on this attached wristband while the machine sucks all of the Ping-Pong skill out of the _ENTIRE TRISTATE AREA_, which will then be delivered to me through my veins with this wristband. Then_ I_ will be the greatest Ping-Pong Player in the entire _PING-PONG ENTHUSIAST'S LEAGUE!_" Here there was a dramatic musical sting. "_And_ the greatest Ping-Pong player _IN THE ENTIRE TRISTATE AREA!_" Doof added.

"Oh, and by the way—" The scientist stopped speaking, flipped the switch on the machine, and put on the wristband, "I just turned it on!" The laser point fired down a large beam all across the Tristate Area as he spoke.

"Nice work, sir!" Norm suddenly spoke. Doof jumped a bit.

"What—when did you even come in?" The scientist asked.

"I've been in here since the part about getting head injuries by being hit with hollow, two-inch big plastic balls!" Norm answered.

"Oh." Doof looked around the room for a moment. "I guess that sounds pretty lame when you put it that way."

/

The group was standing in line at the paddle rental ("I can't believe there _is_ a line for anything here…" Candace had muttered). By about this time, they'd been waiting so long that pretty much everyone's mind had gone blank. However, a large green flash of light consumed the room for a split second, which brought them all back to reality, and then it was gone as quickly as it had come.

"What was that?" Baljeet cried.

"Phineas! Ferb! You guys are so _BUSTED!_" Candace exclaimed, pointing at the brothers.

"But, Candace, we're right here. We've never left this spot." Phineas explained. Candace's brow furrowed.

"Oh. Well…what _was_ that, then?"

Albert shrugged. "I'd say a lighting fixture exploded somewhere in here." He said. "This place will probably collapse on us while we're still inside."

"Let's hope not." Phineas replied.

"Next!" The old clerk yelled from the desk. The pointed at the group of children with the back of her pen. "That means you, now." The boys were the first to approach the desk.

"Hello, ma'am." Phineas said. The clerk rolled her eyes.

"Whaddaya need?"

"We'd like eight—" Phineas started to speak, but as soon as he said "eight" Candace and Albert poked their heads into frame.

"Six." They corrected him in unison, while Candace put money on the desk.

"—six paddles, please." Phineas finished. Unceremoniously, six paddles were tossed into his arms. All of them had the colored faces chipping off, one had a broken handle, and another had a _bite_ taken out of it.

"I call the chewed-up one!" Buford instantly volunteered, snatching the paddle away from Phineas as he passed them out.

"I'm beginning to question the safety of this whole event." Irving commented as Phineas handed him a paddle.

"Relax; it'll be fine!" Phineas replied. Right as he spoke, a few ceiling tiles fell down from a few feet to the side of the group. There was a pause.

"You sure about that?" Irving asked.

The lights above them flickered, then going out entirely, leaving them in total darkness.

"Yep!" Phineas replied in his usual cheery way.

/

"Yes…YES!" Doof cheered. "I can feel the limitless power of Ping-Pong coursing through my veins as we speak!" The scientist snapped his fingers. "Ready, Norm?"

"I most certainly am, sir!"

"Oh, whoops! It just occurred to me that we have no Ping-Pong balls!" Doof said with false shock. "We will just have to find a substitute…oh, well, lookie here!" Perry the Platypus could feel himself being lifted into the air by the scientist. "Here's a _giant_ Ping-Pong ball! Surely you don't mind, Perry the Platypus?"

There was a muffled chattering from inside the ball. The scientist laughed in a maniacal manner and served the Perry-ball to Norm.

"Excellent shot, sir!" Norm exclaimed as he hit it back.

"It's working!" Doof said sing-songily. "I am a fantastic Ping-Pong _champion!_" As he spoke, the robot in front of him made a swing at the bundle of Platypus—and missed.

"Oh my!" Norm said.

"Excellent! Excellent! _EXCELLENT!_" Doof now began to cackle. "Nobody can stop me now!"

/

"Ow." Phineas was struck in the face by yet another ball that had bounced from the ceiling. "Ferb, are you sure you've played before?" As a reply, his brother shrugged at him from across the table. "Isabella! How are you doing?" Phineas now called over his shoulder.

"Well, we haven't gotten far, yet." Isabella spoke tiredly, casting a glance over at Irving, who struggled to even get the paddle to _strike_ the little plastic ball. He quickly looked up.

"It's not my fault!" He cried. "It's the stupid ball's fault!"

Isabella sighed and shook her head. After approximately four more minutes of trying, Irving finally ceased his attempts, looked at the ball in his hand with disdain, made a shrug that said "heck with it", and just threw to Isabella. Isabella swung for it. Not only did she not hit it back, she accidentally got it caught behind her paddle, bouncing it off of her chest, onto the ground, and finally under the table.

And then the table collapsed.

"Wow." Irving finally said after a long pause.

"I can't believe it!" Isabella exclaimed. "I…I've never missed before…"

"I just can't believe the table spontaneously collapsed." Irving added.

"Well, that's a shame. We'll have to fix that later." Phineas said while Ferb examined what was left of the table.

"ACK!" Baljeet suddenly cried out from his table. "DUCK!" At this, everybody ducked down onto the floor, and a stray Ping-Pong ball whizzed over their heads at an amazing speed. It ricocheted off of walls and lighting fixtures and even the floor, off of an old lady's wig, the clerk's desk, and Buford's protruding tooth ("Aw, come on, man!") until, finally...

_P-tock!_

"_Owwwwwwww…_" Albert moaned from off screen.

"Sorry!" Phineas hollered. He then turned to Ferb and asked, "Dude, did you see how fast that thing went? I wish we'd brought our speedometer…well, it looks like he's still able to stand up, walk and function!"

There was a crash.

"And then fall back down."

/

Albert walked up to Candace—with a Ping-Pong ball in his right eye.

"I just nearly received blunt force trauma from a little plastic ball; can I go now?" He asked as he took the ball out. Candace crossed her arms.

"No." She then added, "But I don't really want to be here much either. I have several better things to be doing than watch my brothers and their friends play _Ping-Pong_."

"Meh, I don't even think I could play Ping-Pong. It's too…_light_ for me." Albert said. Candace raised an eyebrow.

"Too _'light'_?"

"I'm more used to tennis."

Candace blinked.

"…_Tennis_." She intoned. Albert looked indignant.

"It's masculine!" He insisted.

"Sure it is!" Irving called from his table.

"Okay, I'm just ignoring _you_." Right after Albert spoke, another ball struck him in the neck. "AGH! You people really _are_ trying to kill me!"

"Sorry." Buford said.

"Wait a minute." Phineas suddenly spoke. "Has _anybody_ here done any actual serving and hitting-back-and-forth in this game since we got here?"

"I haven't." Isabella said.

"Me neither." Buford added.

"Nope." Irving threw in.

"I have not either." Said Baljeet. Ferb shook his head "no".

"Wow!" Phineas sounded genuinely surprised. "Nobody at all…why do you think that is?"

"It's the work of science?" Buford suggested.

"No, no, no, that's probably not it." Phineas dismissed. "If you wanna know what I think, it's probably due to old equipment. This place has been running for a long time, and it's really hard to hit a cracked ball or handle a paddle that has an uneven weight. What this place really needs is some refurbishing." He suddenly snapped his fingers. "That's it! Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!"

"Wait, wait, wait, hold it right there." Candace walked up to her brothers. "You can't just go and rebuild this place. You don't have permission."

Phineas considered this. "Hm…you're right, Candace. Come on, Ferb, let's go talk to the owner."

"Wait, no!" Candace called after her brothers as they walked away. "That's not what I meant! Ugh…oh, you guys are so _BUSTED_ later! After you get permission! And build the whatever-it's-gonna-be!"

/

"Whew!" Doofenshmirtz leaned against the Ping-Pong table in fatigue. "You know what, Norm; we should take a quick break. Being the greatest evil genius _and_ Ping-Pong player in the entire Tristate Area is surprisingly hard work. I'm going to get one of those new diet colas—you know, the one that's supposed to taste exactly like the original, but doesn't have any calories? I've seen _so_ many commercials for that one, so I figured, 'Ah, what the heck, Doof'…" The scientist droned on as he walked into the kitchen, leaving Norm by the table.

"Oh, and Norm, open up the balcony doors while I'm in the kitchen, would you? It's getting so hot in there."

"Of course, sir!" The Robot said as he slid the glass doors open. "There! A fantastic summer breeze!"

"Good. I'd hate for these bicycling pants to get stuck to my legs…" Doof paused, presumably to take a drink from his glass. There was then the sound of something being spat out, and him yelling, "AUGH! Oh, man, that commercial was a _lie!_ UCH! Norm! Fetch me the—*spit*— BUCKET!"

"Coming, sir!" Norm exclaimed as he left the room. And, with the other two gone, Perry the Ping-Pong ball was left alone in his spherical prison. However, he could still hear all that had been going on, and he knew that he had a chance now. Using the weight of his body, he got his ball rolling out the glass doors and onto the balcony, and off of that into the city streets below. The platypus was not hurt on impact, although the ball did break open, thusly setting him free. Making sure he stuck to the shadows, he went back around to the front doors of the building.

And before anyone asks, yes, it is perfectly acceptable for secret agents to use the front door.

/

When the owner heard a small knock at her door, she about jumped right out of her seat.

"What?" She squeaked. "What? Who is it?"

"Just a couple of kids, Miss." A voice from outside of the door replied. "May we come in?" The owner ducked under her desk, her head just poking over the top.

"What? Why should I believe you? Are you really a kid?"

"Yes, yes I am! We just want to ask you for permission about something." The owner considered this for a second.

"Well…okay." She said with uncertainty. She walked slowly up to the door, reluctantly undoing the locks, and then running back and ducking behind her desk.

"Come in now!" She murmured. The doorknob turned (she winced as it did) and the boys stepped inside.

"Good morning!" Phineas announced cheerfully. "My name is Phineas Flynn, and my brother here is Ferb Fletcher."

Timidly, the owner stood, pulling herself up from the floor.

"Okay…um, hello Ferbeas and—no, wait! Phineas! Phineas and Ferb. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry, I'm—"

"That's totally fine." Phineas assured her. "What we wanted to talk to you about was getting this place fixed up."

"'Fixed up'?" The owner repeated. "Well, I don't know…this place hasn't had a renovation since my Grandpa opened it way back when…"

"But, ma'am," Phineas began, "don't you think that's a pretty long time?"

"Let's face it; this place has seen better days." Ferb added.

"Oh, boys, it's not like I don't want to renovate." The owner said. "It's just that I'm afraid…I might not be able to pay for it…"

"Well, then, we'll do it! We'll give you the greatest renovations that you can get, and you won't have to pay!" Phineas offered. The owner raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"You guys? Really?"

"Sure, we seem a little young, but we can do it!" Phineas replied.

"And what if people ask who's responsible? I can't tell them I hired children."

"That's easy—it'll be all thanks to you!" Phineas exclaimed. "People will love it, and you'll get all the credit for it. Taking the spoils isn't really our style, anyway." The owner's eyes lit up.

"M-me?" She stuttered. "Really?"

"Absolutely! We'll get started right away, if you just give us the okay." Phineas grinned at her hopefully. The owner slowly returned that smile.

"Okay; it's a yes." She said.

"Thanks!" Phineas turned to his step-brother and asked, "Ferb, do you have the blueprints ready?" Ferb nodded, holding the rolls of paper up in his hand. "Great! Let's go get the others—this job needs some extra hands."

/

"Is it round?" Albert asked. Candace groaned.

"That is the ninth time you've asked me that!" She yelled. Albert put his hands on his hips and frowned.

"Excuse me if I'm not as precise as the original electronic! Plus, how am I to be sure that you didn't lie the last eight times you said 'no'?" He demanded. Candace sighed, slumping forth.

"This is why I prefer the handheld '20 Questions'." She muttered. Albert rolled his eyes upward, and then gained a sudden look of confusion.

"Okay, question seventeen—is it just me, or is the roof missing?" He asked.

"I have no idea what you are—_whoa!_" Candace exclaimed as she looked up at the ceiling, and discovered that, indeed, the roof was gone.

Two boys in a helicopter had taken it up.

"_Phineas! Ferb! I AM SO CALLING MOM!_" Candace shouted up at the helicopter. Phineas waved at her from above.

"_Hi, Candace!_"

"_Where did you rent the helicopter?_" Albert shouted up as well. Candace glared at him. "Well, I'm curious."

"_The same place everyone else gets their helicopters—'Calvin's Copter Utopia'!_" Phineas replied. He then added, "'_Calvin's Copter Utopia! A great flight machine cornucopia!_'"

And then, from the mysterious places in the world that only cartoon science can explain, the official jingle rang out, singing, "Calvin's Copter Utopia! A great flight machine cornucopia!"

"_YOU! GUYS! ARE! BUSTED!_" Candace yelled, ignoring the jingle. Regardless, the helicopter flew away. "Ugh, they can't even hear me."

Right as Candace had spoken, there was the sound of something crashing down. The two of them turned to see Buford breaking down walls with a sledgehammer.

"You have no idea how fun this is!" He called over at them. Candace about turned red with anger.

"That is IT! But there's no way mom will hear me on the phone with all of this racket going on…Albert! Get in the car! We'll just have to _bring_ my mom here."

"Can I drive?" Albert asked.

"Whatever! Just don't kill anyone!"

"Yay!"

/

Candace regretted letting Albert take the wheel about nine seconds later. By the time they'd pulled into the parking lot of the supermarket, she was as white as a bed sheet. It wasn't necessarily that Albert was a _bad_ driver, but, as had been promised earlier, he did, in fact, yell at everything when he got angry, at both animate and inanimate objects.

Candace forced the car door open. "Never before in my life have I ever had the opportunity to watch somebody yell at the bushes while they drove down the street."

"Well, they looked like some idiot hogging the lane at the time." Albert attempted to justify himself.

"You just get in the backseat, never come into contact with the wheel again, and wait here while I go get—"

"Candace?" A familiar voice rang out.

"Mom!" Candace said with delight. "Just the person I was hoping to see!"

"Oh, Candace, you can't just leave the kids alone at the Ping-Pong Center! Although," she admitted, "I don't know what harm could befall them playing Ping-Pong. Unless the place completely gives way. Still, you have no excuse."

"Nope! No time!" Candace hustled her mother over into the car. "No time for your skepticism! We just gotta go back—right now would be a great time!"

"Oh, for the love of…" Linda began to mutter. Suddenly, she looked back at Albert, and asked, "Candace, don't you think it'd be nice to let someone else drive for once?"

And the look that she got from her daughter simply said, "No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, a thousand times, no, a big mistake, no, never, and no."

"Well, why not?" Linda questioned.

"Mom," Candace began carefully, "Albert gets very angry sometimes. Sometimes, Albert yells at bushes."

Her mother raised one eyebrow. "He yells at bushes."

"Oh, don't take my word for it!" Candace insisted, gesturing to the boy in the backseat. Albert pulled his collar.

"Well, see, it was an understandable mistake…"

/

"Welcome to the D.E.I Complex, how may I help you?" The woman at the front desk asked in a nasally voice. Perry chattered in response.

"Sir, please speak more slowly. I cannot understand your accent." The platypus rested his face in his palm. Or, whatever you call that for a platypus. Perry then pulled out a photograph of the mad doctor and showed it to the woman. The secretary examined it for moment, turned to the computer, pressed a few keys, and then said, "Room Q393, thirty-seventh floor."

The platypus saluted her, and then dashed over to the elevator. Perry pressed the button, waited a few moments for the door to open, and then stepped inside. The woman watched him carefully as the doors closed.

"I didn't know a platypus would do so much." She mumbled after he had left.

/

"See? See?" Candace pointed out the windshield at the horrifyingly obvious editions that had been made to the Ping-Pong Center. It was a miracle that they hadn't entirely broken down the original foundation. These renovations made the building thousands of feet tall, including random multicolored spirals that were there purely for the reason of looking cool, what seemed to be some sort of slide, a gigantic Pac-Man replica, and a huge mechanical ape, among other things. A neon sign made an arc around the entrance, lighting up in a rainbow coloration and reading, "The NEW AND IMPROVED Ping-Pong Center of Danville!".

"Oh! My! Goodness!" Linda gasped as she gazed up at the structure. "How long has it been like this?"

"Only for a little while." Phineas walked up to the car with his brother behind him, and he was smiling his usual smile. "Hi, Mom! And glad to see you came back, Candace."

"Phineas! Ferb! Who did all this?" Linda demanded in astonishment.

"_Here it is."_ Candace thought. _"Here comes the most important moment of my life!"_

"Easy, the owner is the one who's responsible." Phineas responded.

Candace's face fell.

"_What._" She said.

"Oh, well, that's good." Linda smiled. "This place really needed a bit of a makeover.'

"For once in my life," Albert stated as he got out of the car, "I have no comment that can properly portray how I feel about this. So, I think I'll just stand here and stare for a while."

"Okay, then." Phineas gave him a quick nod.

"B-b-b-but-but-buh-buh-but-b-but…" Candace babbled. Her mother sighed.

"Candace, your brothers didn't do anything. Why don't you just try to have some fun?"

"But I swear! Mom, they had a _helicopter!_" Candace protested.

"That's enough for now. If you'll excuse me, I now have to _walk_ back to the store. Just have fun!"

"Bye, Mom!" Phineas waved to her as she walked away.

"I. Cannot. Believe this." Candace stated flatly. "The one time, the single! Solitary! Time! Mom finds the stupid thing, you won't even take the fall?"

"It made the owner really happy!" Phineas explained. "Come on, Candace; it's really a good time."

"Says who?" Candace asked. Albert cleared his throat. Candace turned to him.

"Well, I _do_ think it looks like a very good design concept…"

Candace glared at him. He dropped to his knees. "Can we go in? _Pleeeeeeeease?_ It looks fun…"

Candace groaned. "Fine! But mind you, I will only participate begrudgingly!" Albert applauded with glee.

"Yay!" He squealed. Candace blinked.

"I guess that that's where Irving gets it." Phineas commented.

/

"I just can't believe I'm doing this…" Candace complained as they walked inside. She suddenly stopped walking, turning to look in the direction of two other Players that had not been occupying the building before. Not only did they look to be about the same age as Albert and her, but they, a girl and a boy, looked pretty similar as well—The girl was just like Candace, except with blonde hair in a ponytail and purple wherever Candace wore pink. The boy was basically Albert, except with black hair, darker skin and a white shirt.

"Excuse me," Candace said as she walked up to the two of them, "But can you tell us where the front desk is?"

"Do I know you?" The girl asked in a condescending tone. Candace raised one eyebrow.

"No, no you don't. May I ask what that has to do anything?"

"My partner and I don't talk to strangers. Especially _Non-Ping-Ponging _strangers." The other girl explained.

"Oh, is that so?" Candace squinted. "Let us be strangers no more. I'm Candace. The guy a few yards behind me is Albert."

"He looks insufficient." The girl commented.

"Only I may judge that!" Irving suddenly soared overhead on a hang-glider, a paddle in one hand. Three balls suddenly came his way. He tried to hit them, but he missed. However, two of the balls clicked off against the bull's-eye of a target behind him, falling below into a vat of green paint.

"Twenty points for the Irv-Master, baby!" Irving cheered for himself as he flew away.

There was a brief pause.

"Anyway, I just so happen to be Cadence." The girl finally spoke again.

"How nice." Candace deadpanned.

"And this just so happens to be my partner, Alfredo. We are the most unstoppable Ping-Pong team in the entire Tristate Area."

"Oh, well then." Albert, who had wandered over a few moments ago, piped up. "What brings such _humble_ strangers as yourselves to Danville?"

"We just so happen to be here for the National Ping-Pong tournament." Cadence retorted matter-of-factly.

"I had no idea that even existed." Albert remarked.

"We wouldn't expect people like _you _to."

"Well!" Candace folded her arms. "We sincerely hope that this new course isn't too _hard_ for you!" To her surprise, the girl laughed.

"This? It shouldn't be too difficult to conquer renovations so mediocre as this!"

"'Mediocre'?" Albert and Candace repeated in unison.

"I wouldn't expect you two newbies to understand how simple this is." Cadence rolled her eyes. "You two would never stand a chance against even _this_, much less actual Ping-Pong."

At that moment, Candace would've sprung on her in rage, had Albert not held her back.

"_I'll show YOU mediocrity! You wouldn't know a good game if it bit you in the Nether-Regions! I CHALLENGE YOU TWO TO A DUEL! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT! NOW!_"

"Good." Cadence replied coolly. "Who's your partner?"

"Albert, duh." Candace rolled her eyes. "He's the only other guy here." Albert grinned.

"Cool!"

"Excellent." Cadence smirked. "Prepare to be beaten to a pulp, losers."

/

"A duel, huh?" Phineas scratched his chin (well, he would've if he had one) when he heard the news. "Sure, we can set one up for you!"

"Good!" Candace and Cadence spat out at once.

"In fact, it gives us a good opportunity to use this Sports Commentator Box!" Phineas pointed up at the large, cubic structure that was hanging down from the middle of the ceiling. "I tell you, Ferb and I were sure that we were never gonna find a use for it! Good thing you guys came around."

At this moment, Buford happened to walk up to the two teams of partners, clad as a referee and blowing a whistle that was clenched in his teeth.

"Alright, you ladies," He declared as he spat the whistle out, "Before we get to any sort of _playing, _it is perfectly clear to me that we must set up some ground rules!"

"There's no referee in Ping-Pong." Albert interrupted. Cadence blew air between her teeth and rolled her eyes.

"There is in _professional_ Ping-Pong."

Albert's eyes narrowed. "Of course there is…"

"_Number ONE,_" Buford jumped right back in, his voice raised so that he may not be interrupted again, "There will be fair play. No cheating on Buford's field."

"Yeah, _losers_." Cadence cast a pompous glare over at her counterpart. Candace wagged her forefinger at her.

"What was that?"

"Well, she said 'losers'." Alfredo finally spoke. "Synonyms for 'loser' include failure, incompetent one, amateur, never-the-winner and—"

"Alright, ugly, you can go back to never talking again." Albert butted in. Alfredo seemed to consider this a moment.

"That's a bit ironic." He finally said.

"Okay, that's it. I am now officially going to give you a flat-hand facial greeting." Albert growled. Buford glanced over to him.

"Reminds me—earlier, you said you have _five_ fingers, right?" He asked.

"Yes, yes I did." Albert replied.

There was a pause.

"Freak." Buford stated. "Oh, and by the way, Number Two—_NO TRASH-TALKING IS PERMITTED ON BUFORD'S PING-PONGIN' FIELD!_"

Everybody shrunk back a bit. When Buford wanted to yell, Buford would yell.

"Number Three: There will be no sore losers; there will be no sore winners."

"Sounds good." Candace noted.

"And Number Four," Buford declared, "There shall be no screaming when the floor suddenly rises."

"Huh?" The four asked at once. At that very moment, the floor did just that, rocketing several feet into the air. Albert briefly lost his balance, and Candace shrieked.

"That is a one-serve penalty." Buford scolded her calmly.

A voice suddenly rang out from the ceiling as the floor was ascending. It belonged to Phineas.

"_Good evening, ladies and germs! It's a beautiful evening to be holding a Ping-Pong duel, and boy, do we have a show for all you good people tonight! The teams are arising just by our line of vision in the Commentator's Box as we speak!_" Each of them, save Buford, turned to see the giant glass-and-metal box behind them as the floor came to a halt. Here in this box, Phineas and Ferb sat, headsets on top of them and suits on the rest of them. They waved right at them, as if this was not the most bizarre spectacle on Earth—but considering what those boys did on a daily basis, it probably wasn't.

"_So, Ferb, what do you think of my new silk sports jacket?_" Phineas chuckled.

"_I think it's French._" Ferb replied.

"_Oh, that Ferb, that Ferb! Always the wisest of wisecrackers! Let's take this opportunity to meet the players of the night. On Team Number One, we have the tall, the blonde, the unwavering—THE Cadence!_"

Cadence, betraying Candace's expectations, blushed and giggled a bit, hiding a smile behind her palm. "Now, how did you know my name?"

"_Cadence's partner tonight talks only a bit more than Ferb but plays at twice the difficulty level—no offense, dear brother dear—it's Alfredo!_"

At this, the tanned boy just glanced around the room in mild disinterest.

"_Clearly, at seven consecutive Championship victories, they are a duo to be dreaded!_" Phineas exclaimed—undoubtedly, he had no idea of the truth in his statement. "_And on Team Two, we have No-Dairy, Fashion-Fairy, So-Driven-It's-Scary-Mary herself—ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, let's give it up for Candace Flynn!_"

Candace, much like her opponent, turned bright red.

"_Assisting our good friend Candace tonight is the—well, we don't know much about this guy other than he dressed up as a dragon once at a convention. It's Albert!_"

Albert smirked and bowed low. He seemed a bit of a ham at the moment, but hey, that was in the spirit of things.

"_Let's get right down to business, shall we? Look, Baljeet's on the field already._"

"Baljeet?" Candace repeated. She turned to look around for him, and her head was obligated to turn upwards when it caught sight of the gigantic podium that was rising up from the ground. On top of that, Baljeet stood next to a table. On this table was a large red button with a cage over the top of it, hinged on one side to the table. Baljeet lifted the cage and pressed the button. Immediately, from directly underneath the four player's feet, the ground began to violently shake, until it finally began to part from a small seam that had been set. Alfredo moved over to one side of the floor as it spread while Albert and Candace ran to the other. Cadence, however, remained completely oblivious to that the floor was moving, standing stock still over the center. It wasn't until the floor had parted as far as her legs could, leaving her doing the splits, that she finally noticed. Another inch and Cadence was falling into whatever lay below the floor.

When she landed, there was a splash. Cadence had landed into a large pool of water, next to a large log. She grabbed onto the log for support, spat out water, and began to gasp.

"_WHAT_—*gasp*—IS _THIS_?" She screeched.

From where the others were standing above the pool, they got a better view. They found that there was another log apart from the one that Cadence was holding fast to, and that the logs were about large enough for two people to stand on.

Phineas chuckled. "_Why, Cadence! Take a look! I think it's clear to me, and it's clear to be, and clear to__** see**__ that this is the log-rolling round!_" He leaned over to his brother. "_What do you say, Ferb? Is it clear to thee and clear to be and clear to see?_" As a reply, Ferb simply nodded. Phineas then leaned over to Isabella, who had come into the commentator's box at some point, and added, "_What does guest commentator Isabella think?_"

Isabella giggled and said, "_It's very clear to me and clear to be and clear to __**see**__ that this is the log-rolling round!_"

"_Isabella Garcia-Shapiro, all-around-smart girl and Ping-Pong champ of Fireside Troupe 46231. By the way, Isabella, who would win a Ping-Pong battle—you or me?_" Phineas smiled right back at her while she laughed again.

"_Oh, that's easy. I'd ground you to a pulp._" Isabella replied.

There was a brief pause as Phineas stared at her. After getting past that, he slid his chair over to Irving where he stood (for he had just entered), held his microphone up under his face, and said, "_And what does Irving think?_"

Irving simply blinked at the microphone under him for a couple of seconds, before finally slurring, "_I…just…walked…in…"_

"_Yes, we know,_" Phineas replied calmly, "_But what do you think? Is it clear to be and to see and to thee that this is the log-rolling round?_"

"_Oh, that._" Irving looked back at the microphone. He seemed to think for a few more seconds, before finally just grabbing the microphone out of Phineas' hand and exclaiming this:

"_Alright, boys and girls, ladies and men, demons and angels! We have officially opened up round one of the great Ping-Pong War! This very moment in time, as I speak to you, will go down in history books and epics, to be described as one of the most strenuous, most gut-wrenching, most soul-tearing, most terror-filled battles in all of time! Team One of Champions, and Team Two of Underdogs! In this round, these mortal enemies will get upon their mounts of wooden men's severed legs, and duke it out to see who will hit the ball not the hardest, but the best among them to get the first points! Who will serve? Who will hit? Who will face a loss? Who will become the true winners, the __**true reigning champions**__? And who will go home by the end, carrying on their weary shoulders a thousand years of lies, dishonor, and darkness? The gloves come off in this savage race, wolf pack against wolf pack! The time! Is! Right! NOW!_"

And with that, Irving calmly returned the microphone into the hand of Phineas, whose jaw had dropped open entirely, and took a seat.

"Wow." Candace said. Albert had a surprisingly smug look on his face.

"I knew he had it in him." He announced.

"Lady and gentleman Ping-Pong Players," Baljeet suddenly spoke again from atop his dais. Everybody glanced back up at him. He threw down to each of the players a paddle, one splashing into the water for Cadence. He then produced a little clear ball. He struck it against the edge of the table, and it immediately began to light with several flashing colors.

"The time is now appropriate…" He paused. Baljeet then walked to the edge of the platform, dropping the little ball down below. "To play ball!"

As he finished his sentence, the ball had just struck the surface of the water, and Albert was already moving back to take a running jump in. He leapt, landing with a large splashing of water. He was shortly followed by Alfredo. Candace remained for a few moments, like a deer in headlights.

"Hey! Hurry up!" Albert called to her.

"_Jump, Candace!_" Phineas encouraged.

The next thing Candace knew, she was running and jumping, and then landing into the water stomach-first.

"_Ooh, that's gonna hurt the next morning!_" Isabella shuddered.

When Candace resurfaced, the other team had already started rolling on their log, and Albert was just getting his balance on theirs. When he was finally stable, he noticed that Candace was still struggling to get up, barely even able to get a decent grasp on the log. Albert reached out his hand and she took it, using it to guide herself up onto the log and then steady herself. When she turned, Candace saw that Cadence had fished the little ball out of the water, and it was still flashing its lights.

Buford shot a small pistol, which erupted with a trumpet fanfare and a little banner stating "BLAMMO!" as it popped out of the barrel. Cadence tossed the ball into the air, swung…and missed. Her jaw dropped open.

"No, no, no! That's impossible! This ball has been rigged somehow…"

"_And Cadence misses the first serve. Let's see if Alfredo can do it._" Phineas announced.

The ball was handed to the girl's partner, who missed on the swing as well. Buford blew on his whistle.

"Serves missed! Ball turned over to Team Two!"

Cadence threw the ball to Candace, growling all the way. Candace, understandably, was worried.

"Great," She thought aloud, "If it's true that everybody is just terrible at Ping-Pong today, then I'm just hosed. We're probably just gonna be here for the next three hours missing serves." Sighing, Candace tossed the ball into the air, swung…and struck it, so that it rocketed skyward, bouncing off of Greek pillars, swan boats, gigantic models of atoms, and a caricature bust of Abraham Lincoln until it finally plopped back into the water.

"Or, _that_ could happen." Albert remarked. There was suddenly the sound of a foghorn, and Phineas crying from the Commentator's Box, "_It's begun! It's finally begun! Candace has made the opening hit!_"

On that note, there was a low rumbling, and then a Ping-Pong ball bouncing off of Albert's head.

"Ow."

And then another one.

"Ow."

And then another.

"And ow."

There was then a steady stream of Ping-Pong balls falling from the ceiling, and on either side a net (think in the vein of a soccer goal) had dropped down.

"_You all know the rules!_" Phineas' voice sounded again. "_The most balls in the net without falling off of their log wins the round!_"

"I came here to play Ping-Pong! _Not_ to dabble in _amateur hour!_" Cadence yelled this complaint.

"Well, I came here for fun, so deal with it!" Albert hollered back, quickly swatting at a ball to his left. While he did strike it, it flew upwards into the air and ricocheted all over the place, just as it had when Candace had struck.

"_Looks like this time, Candace will have to direct!_" Isabella announced.

"Direct? Direct what?" Candace asked aloud. Just as she did, her paddle suddenly began to buzz and shake. The next thing she knew, the face of the paddle had suddenly gained four arrow buttons. "Okay, I am now officially lost."

"_Then find your way, Candace!_" Phineas cried into his microphone. "_Find your way—move the net!_"

"Move the…" Candace murmured. In confusion, she pressed the button pointing most to the right. At that push, the opponents' net moved that direction, and it could barely be seen that the ball Albert had hit went into it.

"_That's a point for Team Two!_" Phineas cheered. Candace gasped.

"Wow, I get it now! This must be, like, an epiphany…no, wait. I'm still kinda confused."

/

Presently, there was a ringing of Doofenshmirtz's doorbell.

"Ooh, visitors!" Doof said with delight as he approached the door. He suddenly stopped right in his tracks. "Wait, Perry the Platypus is gone. It seems that he fell from the balcony, so he's either now Perry the Platy-road-pizza, or that's him at the door…now Doof, which of these is the most likely answer?"

"Perhaps it's the dishwasher repair man!" Norm suggested. "I called him hours ago!"

"Oh, that thing is broken again?" Doof asked. "I keep telling ya, man; we've gotta get that thing replaced." With that, Doof opened the door, only to immediately get a face full of platypus tail, knocking him to the floor.

"Oh, _look_, Norm, it's Perry the Platypus." He noted with sarcasm. "Oh, how I did not foresee this event."

"Would you like a cup of coffee?" Norm politely asked the platypus. Perry blinked a couple of times before slowly shaking his head "no".

"Alright then!" And with that, Norm left the room.

"Wait—Norm—Norm! Don't just leave me alone with Perry the Platypus!" Doof begged.

"My shift is over!" Norm replied. The door slammed shut behind him. Both the scientist and the agent listened to his footsteps as he descended the staircase until they could hear nothing.

"I'm as good as toast, aren't I?" Doof moaned. Perry then punched him in the back of the head.

/

"_And…_" Phineas paused, and then produced a little popper from his pocket. He handed it to Ferb, who held it up to his microphone and pulled on the ends slowly, until it finally did exactly what the name implied.

_POP!_

The two teams stopped, with Candace shrieking a bit, at the sudden sound. Cadence did not stop at the right time and fell off of her log, face first into the water.

"_That's the end of round one! Team One finishes off with four-hundred- thirty-two points, while Team Two is just a hair behind them with four-hundred-thirty-one! A brilliant round, if I do say so myself!_" Phineas clapped a bit as he announced this.

"Ha-ha!" Cadence taunted after she resurfaced. "_We're_ ahead." Albert feigned a gasp.

"My word! We're defeated! Under ashes of despair and shame!" He declared in the most overly dramatic tone he could muster. Candace snickered and followed his example.

"In-_deed_, good friend of mine! Whatever shall we do? The single point gap is just…just too great of an obstacle to _ever _overcome in so _merciless_ a sport!" She laid an arm across her forehead in false despair.

"Oh, the tragedy!" Albert cried. He then swooned, pretending like he was about to faint. Cadence growled.

"This is _not_ funny!" She hissed. "_Alfredo and I_ will be the winners, and there is _nothing_ that you can do to change this fate!"

"Really?" Albert smirked.

"_WE! WILL! DEFEAT! YOU!_" Cadence waved her fist in the air as she screamed.

"Can't wait!" Candace sang.

"How _dare_ you pretend that this fun?" Cadence demanded, hands on her hips. Here, Alfredo tapped her shoulder. She whipped her head around to him. "_What?_"

"I thought we were supposed to have fun." He told her.

Instead of replying, Cadence just shoved him off of the log and into the water.

"_And now, for round two!_" Just as Phineas spoke, there seemed to be a low rumbling from somewhere beneath the water. After a few minutes of this, there suddenly rose from the water the first ball that they'd hit, clear and flashing with multiple-colored lights. The only difference this time was that the ball had multiplied in size, to where it was large enough to carry the four of them, and that it could now float. A small door opened up in the ball, and one of the Fireside Girls poked her head out of it.

"Welcome aboard!" She greeted, holding out her hand so that the players may be able to get in. "Please keep hands and feet inside the ball at all times."

When everyone was inside and accounted for, the hatch closed again and the ball began to rise into the air.

"Um, wouldn't it just be easier to build an elevator or something?" Albert asked as he looked at the world below him.

"Of course it would be," The Fireside Girl replied, "But isn't this more fun?" Albert considered this.

"Alright, point taken."

/

Doof landed flat on his back after a particularly hard punch across the chops. He yelped in agony as he tried to stand.

"You could really take it a little easier on me; I'm getting old!" He exclaimed. The scientist quickly checked to make sure all his joints and his hips were in place and working properly, after which he walked up to the Ping-Pong-Inator. He then flicked a switch, and out popped the point of a second laser and a control panel. Doof pressed a button on the control panel, and a beam was immediately fired at the platypus, who was just barely able to dodge.

"Unluckily for you, Perry the Platypus, I had the foresight to include a _second_ laser for purposes of destruction!" He cackled, before snapping his fingers, pointing to himself, and declaring, "Evil. Genius."

A second shot was fired at Perry, who narrowly escaped a second time. The doctor was clearly enjoying himself, laughing madly at every beam that he shot at the platypus' direction. Perry was blessed enough to find a shelter in the form of a large iron pot that sat in the corner. This action actually made Doof hesitant.

"Wait a minute; I can't just fire a laser at that! I got it as a housewarming gift from my cousin Claus! It has sentimental value that—" Just as Doof was in the middle of his waxing on, Perry picked up the urn (which was about his own height) and threw it at the scientist, where it struck him in the torso. It knocked the wind out of him, and just to add insult to injury, the pot then fell onto his feet.

"AUGH!" Doof moaned as he slumped to the floor. He then added, "In hindsight, he should've just bought me a throw pillow."

/

"_And that's the end of Round Fourteen!_" Phineas announced.

The teams were panting heavily. They currently were on top of a large platform, where they were mounted atop robotic unicorns, either of which had a multi-colored mane.

"That was too weird for words." Candace declared as she sat down (she had been the one who had to hit the balls, so she was to stand on the back while Albert steered. It was the same way with Team One).

"_And the score comes down to—a tie!_"

"Of course." Albert muttered.

"_Ladies and gentlemen, both Team One and Two have reached the score of seventeen thousand, six hundred ninety-four point five six two nine eight seven one! It's all purely precise!_" Phineas leaned back in his chair and spun around.

"_Looks like it's time for a tiebreaker, huh, Phineas?_" Isabella asked in a knowing way. Phineas returned his chair to its normal position and banged his fist against the table.

"_It most certainly is, Isabella! The time has come now for the TIEBREAKER ROUND FIFTEEN!_" If Phineas got any more excited, he probably would've begun laughing maniacally. Right as he said that, one of the robot-icorns exploded with a burst of confetti and smoke. When that had cleared, what was left behind was a large biplane, where the seats were large enough to hold two people per cushion.

"Exploding unicorn robots, confetti, and planes. Wow. I am taking this like it's totally normal." Candace deadpanned as she climbed in. The auto-piloted biplane went straight upwards, to nearly the very ceiling, and to the point where the passengers were beginning to get a bit hard of hearing due to the elevation. The plane finally landed at the edge of the top of a replica of the Empire State Building, where they were escorted off of the plane.

"This seems vaguely familiar." Albert looked around at the domed ceiling. The boys had even bothered to paint the thing so that it looked like a sort of sunset. "But I'm getting the feeling like…I dunno, like we're about to come vis-à-vis with a gigantic mechanical ape."

"What does that feel like?" Candace asked, on eyebrow cocked skyward. Right as Albert was about to reply, there was suddenly a deep, mechanical growling from down below. Everybody peered over the edge of the building, only to see exactly what Albert had spoken of—the head of a robotic gorilla rising from the floor. Phineas' voice once again rang out from the speakers.

"_Alright, Ping-Pongers, are you ready for the biggest, MEANEST ape in the game? I hope you all came prepared for the one, the only…KING PONG!_"

Right as Phineas had finished, the beast had already risen to just below the four of them. Its ugly face was turned up to them as it wrapped its metal arms around the building as though it were a tree trunk. Its mechanical jaw slowly dropped open to reveal a small structure within, almost like a miniature canon. This structure proceeded to shoot out a Ping-Pong ball, which hit Albert in the face.

"I probably should've foreseen that."

Right as he'd spoken, the mouth of the beast suddenly began erupting with several thousand Ping-Pong balls, most of which were white, but a few of them were black.

"_In this color-coded round, our players must fight fire with fire!_" Phineas cried. "_A point for every white ball that is returned down the throat of the beast. But the __**true**__ winner will be determined by who defeats King Pong—by shooting the most black bombs down his gullet!_"

"I am _NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FIGHTING MONKEYS!_" Cadence shrieked.

"Yeah, you came to play Ping-Pong. But this is better, so, shut up." Candace replied.

Buford, who at this moment happened to fly by as he held a bouquet of large balloons, blew out fanfare on a trumpet.

"Let the round begin!" He shouted.

/

The okay news was, Doof had finally regained his breath. Unfortunately, he'd been backed in a corner by the platypus in between scenes, and the mammal was currently taking steps toward him in a threatening fashion.

"Okay, so let's work out a deal, alright? Can we work out a deal?" He asked as he cowered in Perry's shadow. The platypus paused, and then gave a bit of a questioning look.

"Okay, so, here's what I propose:" Doof began. "You get out of my way, and I—" Doof suddenly broke into a run, knocking Perry over like a bowling ball does a pin. "—MAKE A BREAK FOR IT!"

Perry the Platypus somersaulted for a while, then coming back up on his feet and darting back after the scientist. But he was a second too slow, as the doctor was already darting out the doorway and down the stairs. Perry looked down and saw the cord that attached Doof's wristband to the Ping-Pong-Inator. He brought his foot down on it, and sure enough, there was the "thump!" of the rear end of a mad scientist who had been going downstairs a few seconds later. Perry, making sure to hold the cord, walked over to the door, where Doof sat halfway down the stairs, looking right up at him miserably. He knew what would ensue. Perry reeled in the scientist with the cord until he was finally back in the doorway. And, when Doof was that far up, he proceeded to kick the platypus in the face.

/

"_And Team One gets a ball in, raising their score to seventeen thousand, six hundred ninety—whoops! Now Team Two has gotten in four balls, raising them to—And Team One has dropped in the first bomb! But so has Team Two! Four more balls, two on One and two on Two—Another bomb for Team Two! And a bomb and a ball for One—No, Two—I mean—Yes, Two! This is so exciting, I'm breaking into a cold sweat! Uh, wait, Irving, no; I'm speaking figuratively. I don't need a sweat towel. Ooh! Three more for Team One!_"

/

"Hah! Nobody can stop Dr. Heinz Doofen—" His gloating was cut off by a sharp whistle. Doof looked back over to Perry, who had instigated the whistle, and who was now holding a pair of scissors.

"Scissors?" Doof asked. Perry approached the cord of the wristband. The scientist gasped. "No! Don't do it, Perry the Platypus!"

His cries were useless, though, as the platypus proceeded to cut the cord. Doof shrieked.

"My Ping-Pong abilities! You have utterly _drained them!_ How dare you, Perry the Platypus?" Doof grabbed Perry by the tail and swung him around. However, he accidentally let go, and the platypus landed on top of the Ping-Pong-Inator quite safely.

"Well, at least now you're helpless." The scientist sighed. Perry raised an eyebrow, raised his scissors back into the air, and snipped them a couple of times.

"Oh. Wait. You're not. Never mind, then."

And with that, the platypus stabbed the blades into the machine, which began to shake and spark.

/

"_Twelve seconds left! Goodness gracious! It's still a tie—No! Another ball in for Team One! But now, one for Team Two! One! Two! One!_"

By this point, both sides were desperate. Albert spotted one bomb-ball falling to his right. He darted that direction, gently nudging Candace out of his way.

/

The shaking of the machine had become more violent by now.

"Well, it seems that I've been foiled yet again, so curse you, Perry the Platypus." Doof began. "However, not being on top of that machine, I have a greater chance of escape, so…" The scientist ran out the door. "Bye!"

The machine then rocketed into the air, breaking through the ceiling, taking Perry the Platypus with it.

/

"_Five seconds left!_" You could've about heard Phineas shaking in the commentator's booth. As for Albert, he'd brought his paddle over his shoulder as though it was a baseball bat, and he'd swung at the bomb.

"This is from the Tennis League!" He cried as his paddle struck the ball. It went straight inside the mouth of the robotic ape.

"_Three, two, one!_"

Right as Phineas said one, there was the sound of the gorilla powering down. Its eyes rolled away from each other in either direction, and a small, circular opening formed in the metal and slid open. Baljeet stepped out of this. He was holding one little black ball in his left hand.

"The winner of this Ping-Pong duel, having defeated King Pong _and_ coming out with a score of forty thousand, seven hundred and twenty four, is…" He paused for the sake of drama.

"…Team Two!"

Albert and Candace yelled out with glee at about the same time. He high-fived her, but she quickly latched around him in a bear hug, only stopping when she realized exactly who she was hugging again.

As for Cadence, she'd dropped to floor screaming in defeat. "THIS! IS! UNACCEPTABLE! WHOEVER BUILT THIS STUPID PLACE COURT THINGY IS GONNA BE _SO_ BUSTED BY MY LAWYERS! YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE LAST OF CADENCE AND ALFREDO!" By this point, Alfredo has just grabbed her by the leg and just dragged her back into the biplane, which had come back around. As it went back to the ground, her voice could be heard as it faded, "YOU HAVEN'T, I TELL YOU…!"

Phineas, Ferb, and the rest had just been lowered to Candace and Albert's eye level in the commentator's box. Phineas leaned out the window.

"Great job, you guys!" He congratulated. "Hop in through the window and we'll get you down!"

Candace and Albert shuffled in and the box continued to descend. Isabella approached them.

"Hey, Candace, did Cadence ever talk about how she was here for a Championship game?" She asked cheerfully.

"I think she mentioned it."

"Well, the other team didn't show up, and you defeated the playing team, so…" Here, Isabella brandished a large golden trophy and handed it to Candace. "Congrats!"

"Wow!" Candace said as she marveled at the trophy.

"It's just like they say. You really _can_ see your face in the reflection!" Albert noted.

"This is the first thing you've ever won outside of a competition for poor film taste." Irving teased.

"Okay, shut up."

/

They were all about in the parking lot when Candace spoke again.

"Alright, Phineas, I have to admit that while you and Ferb annoy me on a regular basis," She stopped a moment to sigh, "That was really the most fun I've ever had."

"It's some of the most fun we've ever had too, sis." Phineas replied with a grin.

"But for the record, I'll be back to trying to bust you as usual tomorrow."

"Fair enough." Phineas suddenly looked around and added, "Wait. Perry's not back yet."

Right as he'd spoken, there suddenly came the whistling sound that always occurs every time something falls from the sky in a cartoon. This was shortly followed by Perry, who genuinely _had _fallen from the sky, landing in the mouth of the trophy.

"He is now." Buford observed.

"He just…fell. From the sky." Albert said, staring at the platypus. Candace turned to him with one eyebrow raised.

"We just got done riding robot unicorns, rolling logs, piloting Pac Man, lumberjacking against a grizzly bear, and shooting Ping-Pong balls at a gigantic Ping-Pong themed parody of King Kong, yet this strikes you as weird."

Albert briefly considered this.

"Yes, yes it does."

**\End Story/**


	2. Poptart Extras

Hello, people. Perhaps it would've been a better idea to include this on the end of the first chapter, but I am lazy. Also, there's a story alert on it, so what the heck. So, let me just go on a while about different things on the story that are almost completely irrelevant and likely utterly uninteresting.

1. The original title was "The Hysterical Ping-Pong Failures". It occurred to me as I was writing that it was too wordy.

2. I was actually holding a bit of a debate in my heart on whether to make Phineas love Poptarts or toaster strudel. Not anything to do with product placement (I mention Netflix later on), but it just felt a little self-advocating to me.

3. I loved writing Albert getting (implied to be) flipped off. And I actually like the guy. It just tickles me, for whatever reason.

4. And we've all had such moments like Candace, where we've wanted to kill everyone we're responsible for at that moment due to sheer stress and annoyance.

5. I actually had to look on the Wiki about the antique shop thing. It was ambiguous about it, so I decided that it existed. CONTINUITY IS MINE

6. Describing the Ping-Pong Center's utter disrepair also amused me. I like run down things, for whatever reason.

7. I have no actual clue as to why Albert is so high-strung. We can only blame on Netflix and video games.

8. Doofenshmirtz in bicycle shorts. I don't know what my deal is, either.

9. I was just originally going to have Perry be tied up and then be hit back and forth _like_ he was a Ping-Pong ball. I went with not doing that, but the image still strikes me as funnier.

10. I decided to mess with Irving's personality a bit for the sake of the story. I don't know much about him originally other than how much he likes the boys' work, so I made him just a _little_ bit more hesitant than Phineas and made him state the obvious when surprised. Also, a bit more sarcasm with his brother.

11. I don't know why I decided to make a running gag out of Albert getting hurt. I guess I just like to hurt fictional people that I don't hate.

12. I originally wanted a scene where Albert would amongst a trumpet fanfare rip his shirt open to reveal a second shirt beneath, which said, "TENNIS CHAMPIONSHIP 2009". I still regret not doing that.

13. I haven't drank Diet Dr. Pepper (which Doof supposedly tried), but my brother has. He's not a fan.

14. I would _love_ to come up with another story one day that includes the Danville P.P.C's owner again. I don't know why I like her, but I do. Maybe it's because I picture her looking like my art teacher.

15. "Calvin's Copter Utopia". There, that's the song for the episode. GO HOME NOW

16. On the list of occupations Albert can never have, #8: School Bus driver.

17. At about this point, I decided to hold off on the B-plot for a bit. This was partly due to that if it was scene-by-scene or even every other scene, it would've been over before the A-plot.

18. And once again, the universe decides to creatively throw Candace's intentions out the window. I truly feel bad for her.

19. Cadence and Alfredo look like Candace and Albert for the same reasons that Thaddeus and Thor look like Phineas and Ferb. I originally wanted Candace to suddenly jump into a semi-rant about how Cadence must be some sort of psychological representation of her unkindness or some other sort of demon that she has, before Cadence clarifies that she's just a girl who likes winning. Again, I wish I did that.

20. I thought of Alfredo being pretty mature, but also pretty innocent—as in, he's level-headed, but doesn't know when he's being insulting. So, him telling Candace what a loser is there? He genuinely thinks she doesn't know.

21. Albert has four fingers like everyone else. He just made a miscalculation.

22. When I picture Irving in the commentator's box, I see him with a bowl of chips. Holding a bowl of chips strikes me as the ultimate symbol of I-just-walked-in-here-ness. Irving's speech was as improvised on my part as it was on his.

23. I also like messing with Irving and Albert's relationship a little. I make it like any other couple of siblings—when they're not arguing, they get along perfectly fine—heck, sometimes exceptionally well. I don't doubt this is a little bit true in the actual show (Albert _does_ want Irving to be able to defend himself).

24. Not really important, but every time I think about Baljeet up on that podium, I think "BALJEET, OVERLORD OF THE PING-PONG COURT." It tickles me, really.

25. I'm really curious what Ping-Pong game would include a bust of Abraham Lincoln, myself.

26. Finally returning to the B-plot, I was also considering having Doof call him "Perry the Platy-Pancake". I guess both of those are funny, but who cares; Doof's butt is about to be handed to him thrice over.

27. Albert and Candace show off their acting skills. This was on the spot, but I still like it.

28. I think that, instead of skipping ahead to the fourteenth round, I would've put in a song-and-montage sequence. But I'd recently read "The Great Danville Cold Wars" (read it right now), which also had a song, and I felt that it would be cheating.

29. I actually looked up "Robot Unicorn Attack" to get the gist of it so I could give it that brief cameo. What I did not know was that it was on the "[adult swim]" website. Whether Phineas himself knew this or not remains up in the air.

30. "King Pong" is pretty much the first thing I came up with for the story, in terms of game strategies. What King Pong actually _was_, however, didn't come on until I was actually writing.

31. More over-excited Phineas. This was one of my favorite things to think about when I was writing.

32. Perry has a small opening in the side of his body which leads to another dimension. This dimension is full of scissors, so whenever he needs a pair they are always readily available. I bet you didn't know that.

33. For added humor, picture Albert diving for the bomb-ball in slo-mo.

34. And of course, the protagonists win and Candace gets a trophy for her trouble. Oh, and Perry falls from the sky. JUST ANOTHER DANVILLE DAY

[/author's notes]


End file.
